


Finding Azkaban

by Siriusfan13



Series: Originally posted under joint penname, Dumbledore'sDelight (SiriusFan13 and Zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix) [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Humor, Crack, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Ooc for humor, Somewhat Inappropriate Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siriusfan13/pseuds/Siriusfan13
Summary: Join Sirius on his quest to learn about Peter Pan and why Remus thinks they act alike, while learning about all sorts of weird things that you wouldn't really expect. Please Read and Review. It's supposed to be funny. Really, it is!Written with co-author zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix under the joint penname Dumbledore'sDelight on fanfiction.net.
Series: Originally posted under joint penname, Dumbledore'sDelight (SiriusFan13 and Zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1896424





	Finding Azkaban

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zanaia523](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanaia523/gifts).



> Disclaimer: We own nothing Harry Potter, Finding Neverland, Peter Pan, Lord of the Rings (Gandalf), Johnny Bravo, or Google. The character, Professor Nocturna, is mine (SiriusFan13). Therefore that character actually is my property. This story has been jointly written by zanaia523/ Frost Phoenix and SiriusFan13 as the entity Dumbledore'sDelight. There's a bit of vulgar humor in here. Not a lot, but just a warning. Not my standard fare, but again, this was a joint work meant to alleviate stress of college back in the day.

**Finding Azkaban**

_1995--Grimmauld_ Place

Remus grumbled as he looked through the fifteenth potions book that day, still not finding what he was looking for. Snape had charged him with the job of looking up a potion formula for him. Everyone knew that Snape was very particular about his formulas, and Remus was the best researcher in the Order, so unfortunately the job fell on him.

He slammed the book shut and set it on the ever-growing pile, flipping another one open and scowling. He suddenly got the eerie feeling that someone was watching him. He turned quickly to see nothing. Sighing, he went back to his book. Then, without warning, his hand shot out and he yanked the invisibility cloak off of the figure behind him and glared.

Sirius stood there smiling innocently. "What? Harry said I could use it."

"I'm not in the mood, Padfoot," Remus muttered.

Sirius grinned. "No problem. I'll be quiet as a mouse. I was just bored." He pulled a chair up beside his friend and sat. "You won't even know I'm here."

Remus said nothing and went back to his book.

After watching Remus flip through several pages, Sirius pointed to a formula. "Isn't that the one you need?"

Remus shook his head in frustration. "It is, but Snape is picky. That's not quite right." He tossed that book down, nearly unbalancing his stack and flipped another one open.

"You know," Sirius commented, "I think that formula you want is in every single potions book in Grimmauld Place in some form or another."

"But not the one he wants..."

Sirius smirked. "I'll bet Snape has the one he wants and is just doing this to bug you."

"Shut up, Padfoot."

Sirius ignored him. "You know," he said thoughtfully. "I still can't believe he got a better grade than me in Hogwarts. I think he cheated off of me."

Remus stared at Sirius. "You've got to be kidding me, Sirius. That was over _twenty_ years ago! Drop it. Anyway, we all know that _you_ cheated off of him, and you _still_ failed."

Sirius shrugged and looked away. "Hey, how was _I_ supposed to know that the exams were enchanted?"

"Because Professor Nocturna _told_ us, Sirius."

"I never actually _listened_ to her."

"Obviously," Remus muttered.

There was a long pause before Sirius spoke again. "Snivellus was such a git."

Remus slammed his book shut and glared at Sirius. "This is so childish, SIrius. You need to grow up. You're not Peter Pan!"

Sirius stared at his friend blankly, having no clue who this Peter Pan was. Thinking quickly (and not wanting to seem stupid), he commented, "Oh yeah. I remember him. He was Slytherin, right?"

At that, Remus held his head in his hands and looked like he was going to cry. "Get out, Sirius."

"But--"

"Get out!"

Deciding that making Remus cry was probably not a very entertaining idea, Sirius decided to look up Peter Pan in his old yearbooks. He was on his sixth year with no success when Harry wandered into the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked, curiously.

"Looking up some kid from Hogwarts," Sirius muttered. "Remus said his name is Peter Pan. I apparently act like him. I kind of hope he wasn't Hufflepuff."

Harry just stared at his godfather before finally breaking the truth to him. "Er--Sirius... Peter Pan isn't a real person. He's a character from a muggle story."

Sirius looked between Harry and the yearbook a couple of times before asking, "Are you sure?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah. It's a book and a play. And there's a bunch of movies. I think some girl played him in the last movie."

"Whoa!" Sirius shouted, standing quickly. "Is he some kind of transvestite? I know I was annoying him, but where does Remus get off--"

"No!" Harry said, quickly realizing that this wasn't his field. "Listen, SIrius, why don't we just owl Hermione and have her bring the book? I'm sure she has it."

Sirius seemed to calm down a little. "Fine..." He dug out a quill and some parchment and scratched out a quick note.

"She's visiting family in town, so she shouldn't take too long."

Sirius nodded. "Okay." He kind of looked sullen as they walked to Harry's room to get Hedwig. Clearly his manhood had been deeply wounded.

Harry only hoped that Hermione could help bring his spirits up.

It only took Hermione an hour to arrive at Grimmauld Place. She knocked only once before the door whipped open and SIrius grabbed her by the arm and dragged her in. She stumbled into the entranceway, almost dropping her bundle and the signed paper from Dumbledore that had allowed her to find the house.

Sirius shut the door behind her.

Hermione glared at him. "What was that all about?"

"Remus is in a bad mood. Loud noises are bothering him."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Meaning _you're_ bothering him?"

"Ha. Ha. Funny," Sirius muttered. "You remind me of him sometimes."

Hermione smiled sweetly. "I'm flattered. He sounds like the practical Marauder."

"He implied I act like Peter Pan," Sirius growled.

Hermione shook her head, murmuring, "How appropriate," before walking into the living room.

Sirius followed behind, asking, "Hey, what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Hermione said nothing and sat down, setting the bundle she'd been carrying on the coffee table in front of her.

Sirius pointed at the weird object. "That's a funny looking book," he commented, sitting down next to her.

Before she could reply, Harry entered the room. "Hey, Hermione. Did you bring it?"

SHe sighed and flipped the top of the thing in front of her open. "I didn't have the book with me, so I brought my laptop instead. I'm sure we can find 'Peter' here a nice e-text."

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, insulted, but still not sure why. Then it occurred to him that he didn't know what she was talking about. "What's an e-text?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed disgustedly. Blowing off is question, she asked, "Do you have an electrical outlet?"

"A what?"

Hermione waved her power supply in the air in front of his face. "I need to plug this in."

Sirius cocked his head to the side, looking very much like a curious labrador at that moment as he stared at the plug. "That's a funny looking thing. What's it supposed to plug?" He then looked at the thing in front of them, wondering if it was leaking.

Hermione barely refrained from snapping, _It'll plug the hole in your head._ Taking a deep breath, she tried again. "Okay, Sirius. Listen." She shook the power supply in front of him again, trying to ignore how his eyes followed its every movement. "This," she said, "gives my laptop power. I need to plug it in or it will die after about fifteen minutes."

Sirius had a look on his face that was somewhere between amusement, horror, and pain as he stared hard at her laptop. "That sounds painful," he said slowly. "Power doesn't seem worth that kind of pain."

"What?" Hermione asked.

He tried again. "I think I'm starting to understand what you're plugging, but I still don't get why."

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed, catching on.

Hermione turned red as she suddenly realized what Sirius meant. She considered hitting him with her laptop, but instead growled, "You're lucky this thing is worth more than you."

Finally, he made eye contact. "What?" he asked. Again, his eyes were drawn to the funny looking shiny thing. "What _is_ that?"

"My laptop," Hermione snapped. Before Sirius could open his mouth, she added, "It's a kind of computer."

"Oh," Sirius said. "Why didn't you just say so?" He turned to Harry, who was now sitting on his other side and whispered, "What's a computer?"

Harry noticed Hermione's eyebrow start to twitch and replied quickly, "It's a box with a screen that makes little magic pictures. This one is called a laptop, because you hold it on your lap. Hermione wants it to make little magic pictures about Peter Pan for you. But without a place to charge the magic power supply (which will feed power spells to the box), she can't use it for long."

"Ohhh..." Sirius said, nodding. "Now _that_ makes sense." He turned to Hermione. "See, you should use technical terms like Harry, so I can understand better."

Hermione briefly wondered if Remus needed help in the library. It seemed safer in there.

Sirius caught Hermione's glance toward the library door and jumped in her way shouting, "No! Remus is very cranky. We can't go in there."

"Keep it down out there!" Remus yelled from the other room. "Can't you play outside?"

"Harry's not playing," Sirius replied.

"I meant you," Remus snapped back before lapsing into silence once more.

Sirius looked longingly at the door. "Okay!" he said brightly, nearly forgetting about Peter Pan as he started to transform.

Harry and Hermione grabbed him and tried to drag him back into the house. He growled and resisted until Hermione offered to conjure up a shock collar, and he slunk back to the sofa, transforming into a human again.

Hermione decided it was best just to get into booting up the computer. Sirius watched in fascination as a screen popped up with a picture of Madame Curie. Little icons started appearing all over along with a floating hourglass.

Sirius squinted at the screen. "Nice. You have a tiny time-turner in there. Are we going back in time to see Peter Pan?"

Both Harry and Hermione just stared at Sirius. Finally Hermione clicked on an icon and made another screen pop up. "Let's just Google it. We have to hurry before the battery runs out."

"Where's it running to?" Sirius asked innocently. "Can't we just catch it with a spell?" He pulled out his wand.

Harry immediately jumped up between the computer and Sirius, images of the computer blowing up and Hermione hexing his godfather filling Harry's mind. "It won't run away for fifteen minutes. Then she has to close the top to trap it, okay?"

He could hear Hermione's sigh of disgust behind him as Sirius nodded sagely and put his wand away. "You're so clever, Harry. Hermione, you really should learn how to explain things from him."

Twin sighs, one from Hermione and one from the library were heard, but Sirius was oblivious.

Hermione hit Enter to start the search. Moments later, lots of pretty little letters came up on the screen in various colors.

"This Google person has very neat handwriting," Sirius remarked. Hermione just clicked on one file about J. M. Barrie. A picture of the author appeared on the screen.

"This is the man who wrote Peter Pan," Hermione explained. "His name was J. M. Barrie, and--"

Sirius squinted his eyes. "I think I know him," he commented.

"You don't," Hermione replied. "He's dead."

"Well, before he was dead," Sirius went on. "I think he was a SLytherin."

"You think _everyone_ was a Slytherin," Hermione snapped. "Just last week, you were going on about how Gandalf was a Slytherin. And the week before, you insisted that Johnny Bravo was."

"Well, he _was_ ," Sirius replied. "You can tell."

"He's a _cartoon,_ Sirius."

Sirius furrowed his brow. "Oh. I'm thinking of someone else then."

Hermione finally stood up in frustration to leave. "That's it," she snapped. "I've had it." She pointed at the left click button. "Push this when you want to pick something. Push the down arrow to make the page move."

Sirius pushed the left click. "It's not doing anything."

"That's because you have to move the arrow first!" she exploded.

"How?"

"Move your finger on the touch pad," she replied. "You have ten minutes now..."

"Ooooooh..." Sirius said as the little arrow moved on the screen. He clicked on a word. "Hey! The time-turner's back."

Harry slipped into the library while they were arguing, intending to ask Remus how Peter Pan got brought up in the first place. It seemed safer there than in here with these two, anyway.

He wasn't in the room two minutes before Sirius and Hermione's bickering was interrupted by a shout, followed by a loud yelp. Harry ran out of the library and down the hall with three books being thrown after him.

Sirius and Hermione exchanged looks.

"I told you he's cranky," Sirius said calmly before turning back to the computer.

Eight and a half minutes later, Sirius wandered back into the library. The look Remus sent him was pure poison, not that Sirius minded any. "Guess what?" he asked brightly.

"What?" Remus growled.

"You have to guess."

"No."

"Come on."

"Sirius." There was enough warning in his tone for even Sirius to catch on.

"Fine. I found Peter Pan on Hermione's magic box... along with several very interesting things that kept warning me not to click unless I wanted to breech the security settings." He smiled. "Did you know that Peter Pan was a boy who never grew up?

"You don't say," Remus commented dryly.

"Yeah," Sirius replied. "Then I clicked something wrong and guess what?"

"What?" Remus snapped.

"Guess."

"No."

"Okay. I found the fomula that you wanted."

Remus's face lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah," Sirius replied, grinning. "I'll bring it in." He wandered out for a moment and came back, carrying the computer. Just as he set it in front of Remus, the screen blinked out.

Sirius's eyes widened. "Shit!" He slammed the screen shut. "I can't let Hermione's battery get away. She'll kill me."

Remus sighed. "Sirius..." he said, rubbing his temples.

"No," Sirius said. "Wait. It might not be dead. Maybe it's just unconscious." He yanked out his wand. " _Enervate!_ "

There was an explosion. When the smoke cleared, all of Remus's notes lay scattered on the floor. His face was black. The laptop was sparking.

Sirius picked it up mournfully. "I guess it really is dead now. Clearly my wand couldn't plug it."

"Get out..."

"I'll just go bury it in the back with the rats and my pet cat."

"Get out!"

"Come to think of it, the cat tried to run away, too..."

"GET OUT!" Remus roared, grabbing random books off of the shelf and throwing them at Sirius.

Sirius ran out of the room, miraculously getting hit by only one book. He rubbed his head as Remus slammed the door behind him. "Man, you can really tell when it's his time of the month," he muttered, picking the book up. Ironically, it was a copy of _Peter Pan_. Sirius raised an eyebrow and opened it, flipping through the pages.

"Hey! There are naked mermaids in here...!"

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Yes, I know there are Americanisms and anachronisms and such in here. We were just having a bit of fun. Also, this has been slightly edited/ modded from the original on fanfiction.net. Enjoy!


End file.
